Tuesday, November 03, 2009

Restless

I have been on a total mission to try to descum my house. If you are having quality school, you do not have quality cleaning. So, I've been 'trying' to get up early and get to details that otherwise are neglected. We of course have not gotten to all the details and I use "we" loosely as it is mostly me getting up at five something to conquer and divide. This mission leaves me very restless with 'ants in my pants' syndrome. I can not say it is the most satisfying mission either as my dear husband does not even notice any change and I frankly get pretty discouraged. I FRANKLY would much rather be reading a book or playing my horn or riding my bike. I have no doubt that these are the most difficult years of the mommy gig where house cleaning is concerned. It is also difficult to get quality thorough school done when I am restless and crazed with cleaning. Sigh. So goes another negative blog post but that is what is new with me.

On a more positive note (maybe) I had a fantastic time with the Anna this weekend and am so looking forward to Thanksgiving and Christmas for a little more time. We are hopelessly close and connected with one another and understand each other better than most. I was contemplating my restlessness in regard to having a little taste of her home, and I think I become more restless as I miss having her 'understanding self' around. We still talk and write naughty texts to one another. Texts are very silly.

I can't MAKE my kids do what they are supposed to do. I can only be the ever nagging mother, chasing after their lists and hoping for the best. But this role is also something that would frankly not be my first choice. I do not enjoy getting after them when I wish I could just trust them to do what they are supposed to be doing. They do a pretty good job but there is still the stress hanging over my head that increases my cranky muscle. Yes, I heard the homily last night and I am attempting to cheerfully process my vocation but sometimes I can just feel panicked. Sigh. See........so negative. Get a grip.

3 comments:

Gauntlets said...

I hear you on the "if you're having good school your house is a mess" deal. :P

I'm still too neophyte at this to offer any real help, but I'll try: Have you tried a system like Choreganizers? We made up our own system of chores and rewards based on what we saw of Choreganizers online, and it really helped my little ones get to business.

http://thepioneerwoman.com/homeschooling/2008/10/choreganizers/

Karin said...

I know all the tactics to how to keep this place in order but it is really the finitude thing that can just depress me as I CAN NOT even with the kids help, keep on top of everything and still have quality school and a chance to breathe. Systems....they work. I just need to have the energy to keep doing them too. High Schoolers to toddlers all have different needs and High Schoolers really need a little more attention to MAKE SURE they are being accountable etc. It will all be ok. I'm sure driving 16 hours in four days is not helping me either but I wanted to do it.

Susan said...

Karin, I remember a couple of years ago when we talked about how both of us believe deep down that we'll be able to manage because we just have to do a little more, be just a little more organized, try just a little harder. And we can't!!!! Argh! Drives me nuts! There comes a point when it doesn't matter what system you use, it doesn't matter how much sleep you deprive yourself of, it doesn't matter what tactic you try, you simply CANNOT manage.

And that's when we have to quit. We stop. We fail. We pray that God would certainly give devout children even though we can't do our share in raising them right, but we pray that He would lead us to realize that our devout children are gifts of His grace and not what we have earned by proper parenting.

I've been giving myself the speech frequently about Luther and Melanchthon doing what they could do, then stopping and having a beer, and letting the Holy Spirit use their meager efforts. We do what we CAN do. But some of us (me, me, me!) want to do more than we are able ... because it needs to be done. But we can't do more than we can. (Sorry to sound so jumbly.)