Friday, September 18, 2009

When do you become a mother?

Is it when you have that first little one or is it when you realize you may not have another. Do I look at my children differently when I see them with fresh eyes wondering if Ingrid will be my last. The Lord is the author and giver of life and I am not in charge. I am sure there are many who would find this post crazy but it is my life given to me by my Lord and it is how I feel.

As each child has come and was expected there was always the fear of what people might say or think. There was some fear of being evaluated or criticized. Then I got older and didn't care quite as much. Now I am older still and just wonder. I also know many who would say that Ingrid is only one years old and why am I even thinking about this but I am almost 43 and well........I ain't very young anymore. Time is passing and this may seem too personal for a blog post but again I don't think I care. My brain is beginning to process that 43 is 43 and the time is coming shortly when is VERY possible Ingrid might be it. Ironically I think now everyone is so used to another Horner baby that they actually ARE expecting we will be expecting but......I am having my doubts. Don't panic Karin. It may or may not be true but that does not prevent my brain from processing and my heart from looking at the children I have afresh and see them growing up quickly and one already on her own. I miss her and I miss the older ones already as I know it will not be very long before my household will shrink some more. Sigh. Seven seems small. I will try to appreciate every moment and I will also give it a good try to be patient and accepting of whatever life holds for me. Yes, this is probably too personal but I guess I would like people to know that this is hard for me. Harder than I thought it might be. If I do end up expecting again I certainly would not want anyone to poo poo my thoughts as there is no denying that this aspect of motherhood is near the end if it hasn't already ended. So I look at my children, especially the little ones with new eyes and perhaps now I am becoming a grown up and will do different things in life besides changing diapers and spoon feeding little people. Only the author and giver of life knows. I have already begun looking at newborns a little differently too wondering if that will be me again holding a newborn. Maybe being 43 is just the time when all this hits. Maybe I have just always loved having a baby to take care of and took that for granted. Maybe I shouldn't have watched one of Anna and my favorite movies and pined away for her too much this evening. Who knows. So I guess I became a new sort of mother today with different vision. Sorry is this was too sappy for you all. I guess..........I just love my kids and thank God for each and every one of them. Being a mother is just what God has given me to do and I am thankful for that too.


Anan said...

And because nobody comments on thoughtful posts: I love you. It will be ok.

Kim said...

I know I became a different sort of mother when I realized we weren't going to have anymore. My youngest is 11 and I was just talking with my dh about this the other day. Gone are the days when I would yearn for another baby. I've come to terms with the fact that God only gave us 2 kids and I have become much more sentimental. I'm much more aware of what my kids are doing and how little time I really have left with my dd who is 13. I'm more apt to appreciate and cherish the moments we have together than I was just a few years ago. I find myself telling a friend that has a baby how much she should enjoy the first few years because they go by so very quickly. What she sees as a burden when caring for her 3 month old I see as a blessing :)

Gauntlets said...

I like this post. I like knowing what you're thinking, even if we've never really met. I like knowing, because here I am, 32 years old, holding my fourth living child, wondering about the fifth, the sixth, the seventh.

This is a difficult path. Thanks for writing about how much you love being a mom and how much you love walking this path. It is good to hear you say these things. :)

Karin said...

I will probably not let this topic alone. It saddens me that this topic is somewhat ignored and most likely considered nutty as I should be happy there might not be mrore kiddos. Sigh. My brain and heart will continue marching along with my years and I would love to read other peoples reactions to this time. It does seem a little taboo to talk about.