A visit with Anna

So I actually saw my daughter this evening...in person. Phew. That was so very nice. I drank her in and tried not to crash while driving. It was so very good to see her face. I talk to her a lot on the phone but it is just different to be in her presence. I must say it was a lot like watching a movie as it doesn't seem real to me that I was actually with her. Cecilia is spending the night with her which I am very glad. A week ago I was not sure as the activities of the dorm kids are uh.........questionable. But her room is very nice and is really a double room so Cecilia has her own space and they will be able to go to breakfast and hang out tonight and tomorrow. Wish I were there.

Anna has certainly become a part of the life of IU. Not in the party way but the academic way. She is very busy and very tired but still seems to be soaking it all in. I think a night to sleep in would be a good thing. I still find it very odd that now that I have seen her she will not be coming home with me. I hope I can handle that hole when I drive away on Sunday. We will paint the town red tomorrow and I will continue to stare without making her uncomfortable.

In the crib across the room is Ingrid. She is quietly sleeping in all her sweetness. I am staring at her too.

At home unfortunately Benjamin is having another asthma attack and Charley is discovering his breathing treatment thingy does not seem to work or we don't know what we are doing. Thankfully Charley feels confident to handle it tomorrow and get it fixed. Thank you Charley.

Trouble in the land of socks

Socks need to be our mission right now but I am having trouble fitting that in between dishes and clothes that might be tempted to start molding if they are not washed. We are in sock crisis. Last night we were running a completely crazy schedule and were home only long enough to cram some food in our mouths, get dressed for church and run out the door. Benjamin is learning more about this drill (finally) and obediently went to his room to get dressed for church. I always forget everything about Benjamin and his clothes seeing as his room is so far away and his roommate lives in the yard in a tent. The poor boy lacks foresight on most things. Well, he does seem to get now that his mother wants him in a relatively clean shirt, khaki type pants and dress shoes with black socks. There was wailing that came from upstairs and I went to see what was the latest problem. Benjamin was sobbing on the stairs as he not only did not have black socks, he didn't have ANY socks! Black dress shoes in hand and otherwise completely dressed, his mother looked at him contemplating how we were already late to choir practice and told the boy, "If Pastor Grobien can go to church with no socks and dress shoes, so can you. Get in the van." He sported his amused, confused Benjamin face and ran out the door to the van. It was in the upper 70's after all................

Today..........sock sorting..........not sure if men have no sock rules for summer/fall as the women have no white shoes rule after Labor Day..........I love deep thinking.

Through Stefan's eyes

Stefan is now almost three and when he is not screaming, can really be quite the little charmer. He does scream though. He has three basic things that seem to keep him happiest which should come as no surprise. First, his tummy needs to have a steady supply of food. Second, watch out if he gets too tired AND does not have much in his tummy - there is not eating coming from that boy then. Third, he loves to be talked to like he is a big person. When his little face does not get the amount of attention that he deems necessary, he is not a happy camper. It is most helpful to ask him very serious questions about his little life and he responds very seriously and seems to say with his eyes, "thanks for talking to me with a little respect mom and not like a fly on the wall that needs to be gotten out of the way since I am just a two year old." Obviously this is not any one's goal with two year olds, but seriously, I don't know too many people who really take the time to talk to them in any serious fashion. I do this with kids in public who look at me and start jabbering at me. I DON"T talk to the parents, but talk to them responding to their cherub chattering. Perhaps their parents think I am nuts and I can get away with chattering with them as I am a mom but...again.......why don't we talk to kids like they have brains in their heads? Stefan certainly does. He IS hard to deal with when he is tired but just like a grown up, do we expect grown ups to always be chipper when they are tired. I don't think we do. I think we are far more understanding and accommodating with a tired adult then a tired child. As adults we might think of an adult "get to bed and get some sleep. You will feel better." and with kids we can be basically, honestly annoyed that they can't hold it together when they are tired. Perhaps they just need more naps or something. Oh, I am rambling again but little Stefan (or Fefan as he is sometimes called) has had somewhat of a challenging life with all his eczema, which seems to rearing it's head some again, and I suppose I am just musing on how best to work with this little boy and what he is able to tolerate.

Other little boys I know also can be a little on the, how shall we say, active and opinionated side, like my Fefan and I must say they too can be quite charming when spoken too as if they are big people. I really think they think they are big people. Their siblings are so why aren't they???? Makes sense to me.

From Fefan's eyes, he sees a world he wants to be a part of and I guess I have been enjoying (when he isn't screaming) being a part of it with him. He is a cutie. Those big brown eyes will certainly catch someones attention someday. :o) They catch mine. The overbite is pretty cute too............

Nice day at historical festival

I don't know what else to call it but I guess it is called the 'Trail of Courage' festival. We also saw that some call it the Trail of Death. It is a festival that has all sorts of reenacters and then of course many booths selling 'old fashion' stuff to tempt us. LaRena and I with I think....12 kids in tow headed off this morning and LaRena literally closed the place down. I am not surprised by this. I was a little tired after hauling Ingrid around on my back for six hours so I headed home thinking LaRena was close behind. She had stopped at the main building and talked to the people in charge about how things are set up there etc. I sort of wish the kids had the chance to see what was in that building but perhaps next year if we do this again. Both LaRena and I have driven by this museum and said every year that we should really go to that sometime........so we did!

I do wish they had some more variety in the actual reenactors but I suppose for a local event it was really well done and very well attended. They had quiet a few performers, few who had anything to do with the time and people involved in the Trail of Courage but well worth watching . There was a group of bag pipe players who had a young boy who was very good. I was impressed. I enjoyed watching the dancers.

I saw a few people I hadn't seen in a long time which was nice too. LaRena made the comment that we could have the Horner festival and have Erik do blacksmithing and antique tools demonstrations, Anna spin and weave, Matthew could help with beekeeping and he could probably do some pioneer cooking as he is my chef, I could play my dulcimer, and Charley could have a booth where people could chop wood and get to throw it in bins. Doesn't this sound like fun. LaRena could join in with an herb garden and vegetable garden and have it all pristinely weeded and sell dried flowers and herb packets. Perhaps Martin could use his artistic abilities to learn how to decorate gourds. We shall see if we ever do this. We could put it all in one big booth at that festival or arrange our yard into a museum........doubt it.

So that was today. It was all very good and I am glad we finally did it. We can scratch off our list one more thing that we said we should do someday.

Am I irrational?

I don't think my last post was irrational and no one has said that seeing as it has only been there a few hours. But........I was certainly having a moment last night and I have no doubt other 'moments' will come. I don't think it is OK either to never say anything about this topic especially from the mom's perspective. I know plenty of mom's of many and I have no doubt this topic has rumbled through their minds especially those who are of similar age and older. I have not 'given up hope' but am a little more on the humble side now and not the assuming side.

There's no time to belabor this one so for those who have no love of such musings, there are some feelings that run deep and I would rather talk about THOSE things then just wander around bottling that up. For the record I am in in good mood and ready to go on to the next thing and do what God has given me to do now. It will all be good. Perhaps now I will not inwardly groan when the Bible talks about these older women having babies thinking I will be having babies till I am 50 and over. Ha! The joke WILL be on me if that were so. I do think I would love to talk to other moms who are in the midst and beyond this step. I talked pretty frequently with a mom at the pool this summer who had ten kids and the youngest was three. She was 41 I believe and there had not been any further babies. Interesting. It is all very interesting.

When do you become a mother?

Is it when you have that first little one or is it when you realize you may not have another. Do I look at my children differently when I see them with fresh eyes wondering if Ingrid will be my last. The Lord is the author and giver of life and I am not in charge. I am sure there are many who would find this post crazy but it is my life given to me by my Lord and it is how I feel.

As each child has come and was expected there was always the fear of what people might say or think. There was some fear of being evaluated or criticized. Then I got older and didn't care quite as much. Now I am older still and just wonder. I also know many who would say that Ingrid is only one years old and why am I even thinking about this but I am almost 43 and well........I ain't very young anymore. Time is passing and this may seem too personal for a blog post but again I don't think I care. My brain is beginning to process that 43 is 43 and the time is coming shortly when is VERY possible Ingrid might be it. Ironically I think now everyone is so used to another Horner baby that they actually ARE expecting we will be expecting but......I am having my doubts. Don't panic Karin. It may or may not be true but that does not prevent my brain from processing and my heart from looking at the children I have afresh and see them growing up quickly and one already on her own. I miss her and I miss the older ones already as I know it will not be very long before my household will shrink some more. Sigh. Seven seems small. I will try to appreciate every moment and I will also give it a good try to be patient and accepting of whatever life holds for me. Yes, this is probably too personal but I guess I would like people to know that this is hard for me. Harder than I thought it might be. If I do end up expecting again I certainly would not want anyone to poo poo my thoughts as there is no denying that this aspect of motherhood is near the end if it hasn't already ended. So I look at my children, especially the little ones with new eyes and perhaps now I am becoming a grown up and will do different things in life besides changing diapers and spoon feeding little people. Only the author and giver of life knows. I have already begun looking at newborns a little differently too wondering if that will be me again holding a newborn. Maybe being 43 is just the time when all this hits. Maybe I have just always loved having a baby to take care of and took that for granted. Maybe I shouldn't have watched one of Anna and my favorite movies and pined away for her too much this evening. Who knows. So I guess I became a new sort of mother today with different vision. Sorry is this was too sappy for you all. I guess..........I just love my kids and thank God for each and every one of them. Being a mother is just what God has given me to do and I am thankful for that too.

Doing the next thing

Today was the model for just doing the next thing. The morning began very slowly. I was supposed to be at our homeschooling co-op friends home at 10:30 and it did not look like I was going to make it. The kids and I actually slept, as this is GREAT sleeping weather, till almost 8:00. Some of them slept beyond 8:00. I didn't care. I made up some pancakes as Stefan ate most of the granola yesterday. He was hungry. The kids were pleasantly surprised. They had worked very hard the last few days between school work and tomatoes so it seemed like the right thing to do vs. the oatmeal drill.

At co-op I just put each group through their paces and didn't spend any more or any less time on any subject then was necessary. Both groups are pretty easy to work with and really a pleasure to be with so that makes for a nice day. There are those who seem to still resist the concept of homework but I am trying to encourage them to do the next thing too. Seeing as both families have graduated kids who did not fail in life because of their habits in grade school, I guess I am not panicked.

Back at home, Martin and Cecilia made some more tomato sauce to go with the chili for Sunday afternoon at church. They are VERY good at this and seem to have this project down to a science. If only we had more time to get a little more done in that department but again, will accept what gets done as it gets done. I made a lot of chicken salad from yesterday's barbecue chicken for our outing tomorrow. I even squeezed in a bike ride to burn off some personal frustrations which don't involve anyone but me (so to speak) and I'm glad I did that, I might get some winter biking equipment so I can continue as long as the roads are dry. Sigh. I am getting faster so it does not take up as much time.

After the kids get done watching their silly movie, most of them are going to bed and Cecilia and I will make some more gingerbread from the "More with Less" cookbook. That is SO yummy. Cecilia helped make some for Anna yesterday for her care package. My family is shrinking but will try to make the most of it. OK......there I go having a moment again. Perhaps I will have to get a headlight so I can bike in the evening once it gets even darker, sooner. Sigh.

Matthew made yummy rolls (Cecilia made some yesterday!) and we should be all set tomorrow. We are finally going to this 'Trail of Courage' (I think that is what it is called) instead of continually driving by it and commenting how we should go some year. So.......I will try to blog about how that went tomorrow. It should be good.

Bemused

I keep hearing people say things to me about how amazed they are by how much I get done around here. I wish I had high speed so I could post pictures of how much we don't get done around here. There are many a day, which most people I know can relate to, where I lay great plans and then as hard as I try, I am sidetracked, waylaid (spelling?) or perhaps even the phone rings endlessly and I just don't get much done. I do not like attempting to get much else done but school during the week as that will ensure that school wouldn't happen. Anytime I think I can squeeze in some ironing or extra laundry then homework, piano practicing, math drill etc. just doesn't happen. My lawn mower hates me lately and even trying to get to giving the lawn a hair cut doesn't work as the dumb thing doesn't want to start or keep running for me if it does start. Prior to mowing the lawn I usually have wasted time looking for my scruds, making sure the little people are taken care of, everyone is busy and not killing each other, and then.........I go to the mower and rrrr.rrrrr......rrrrr........rrrrrrr.........nothing. So goes another day of accomplishments.

I am blessed with children who know how to can tomatoes though. That is a huge help as I am certain I would not get to that at all otherwise. There is nothing more exciting and perhaps therapeutic to them than to smash tomatoes down through the strainer and watching the auger has its way with them. The thrill is starting to wear off as we are nearing 50 quarts. They made at least 20 quarts today with a big vat of salsa to boot.

So.........I guess it is the kids who get a lot done and I spin my wheels between diaper changes, laundry reboots, and trying not steal a nap when my bed is calling to me. I do not get a lot done. I think I used to. I suppose I do still cook and stare at the miss-matched socks when the kids come downstairs barefoot for church complaining they don't have any.

Just bemused I am...........

Sunday morning happenings

Friday evening I biked the boys about three and a half miles south of us to their camp area. That is Z.B. Falcons to the locals. We put their gear in the Burley behind my bike and off we went. I suggested to the boys that they could bike home Sunday morning (they didn't hear this I don't think) and rode back home a lot lighter. Their Scout Master looked a little surprised to see me there with the boys.

On Saturday I was contemplating Martin's ability to remember to stay on the side of the road and decided to bike down Sunday morning and ride them home. It is pitch dark til a little after 7:00 now so I left with Burley in tow and headed south. Martin was to be acolyte so I needed to make sure we got home in time to clean up and leave. It was cold and VERY quiet. I loved it. Zipping down the roads with not even the birds up chirping, brain able to contemplate stuff, while wondering if I should have worn a jacket, is incredible. It got brighter and brighter and the noise did not increase too much and there was NO traffic. Perhaps it was just too early on a Sunday morning for anyone to be up but I must say it was kind of nice.

I got to their camp ground to discover they didn't know what time it was and weren't sure how they were getting home. They were a little surprised to discover we were hitting the road and leaving for home immediately. One scout tried to suggest that Matthew load their tent in the Burley with the rest of their gear for me to haul home too but I sort of laughed and said that wasn't happening.

Hauling their gear back was a lot easier than going there. It was colder going back. I am slowly getting back into shape and happily report that I have carved off 25 since March. Wow. I don't want to think about that too much. I am determined to keep biking through the fall and as long as I am able to. I would like to stay in shape if possible and not drift back too far in the other direction. It is sort of nice that none of my nicer clothes fit too well anymore and I am not going to do anything about that either. Fitted clothes are best but a little sag won't kill me. Skirts are the best for this condition. Sigh. At least I know weight loss is possible so that is reassuring.

We did get to church in plenty of time and the service, sermon, everything was divinely awesome (Anna thought I said awful on the phone......giggle). A great morning and maybe I will bike again next Sunday morning just because.

Thankful Charley does not travel so much anymore

I can't remember how long ago it was but Charley used to travel to Europe about once every two months for at least a week. Yes, he gained the miles and I gained the endurance to keep single parenting but it wasn't easy. I put up a good front I guess. Charley and Erik return tomorrow from Pennsylvania. They went to Charley's parents farm auction where all the rest of the stuff on the farm was sold. I haven't heard from him since the sale so I hope all went well. That is all a long story as to why he went at all but needless to say I missed him around here. Yikes. Erik is a huge help as well. Matthew and I crashed each evening and watched a movie together and ate some goodies. He too misses them as flying solo with the little people is a challenge. He watched both Stefan and Ingrid on Friday while I was at a funeral. Very tired young man by the time I returned.

We got a little bit done today but each day seems like such a struggle. I want to get a lot of tomatoes canned as there is nothing quite like it in winter cooking than my own canned stuff. The kids do most of the processing now but they will have homework to get done too so this may be a challenge. After the kids were all in bed I went into the kitchen and observed the fall out from the days endeavors. Wow. I have my work cut out for me but I could not help but see Stefan's little shoes deposited by the refrigerator, the smoshed tomato from Ingrid playing in the basket, toys randomly spread on the floor, and then to stop and think of how I will truly miss this someday. Who knows, that day may be sooner than I know, and my own inability to handle their busy little selves bumping around the house, does call me to repentance and I will at least be able to think endearing thoughts now, when all is quiet, of their sweet little faces while they muddle through the day too.

Sigh. I miss my Anna who calls me regularly. I thank God for His goodness to me in giving me such a wonderful daughter. She grew up fast and so will the rest of them. Hearing about the escapades of some of the other college kids around her, I am taken aback by all that I take for granted in my own children. I am SO glad I have perservered through the homeschooling and I know that we will all be closer as a result.

I should be reading right now and will have to find a lot of time to do so. I don't know where all this time will come from to read but so far so good I am at least on track with where we are in school.

Looking forward to the Divine Service tomorrow despite knowing Matthew and I will be juggling Stefan and Ingrid. Hope I have enough Cheerios and raisins...........

Missed Anna even before I talked to her

Matthew and I ended up watching a very modern take of King Arthur last night. It was.....different.........but full of lots of action for the guys to enjoy. I know Anna would be impressed that I actually stayed awake for a such a long movie but actually succeeded in doing so. Anyway, I was missing my Anna last night and little did I know at the time she had a somewhat stressful afternoon. I am happy for her on the one hand that the result of her stress will be she will get her single room but of course that won't happen without the additional stress of her roommate not understanding why Anna does not want boys in her room. The roommate also did not seem to understand that Anna wanted her own room right from the beginning but hopefully this isn't dwelled on and Anna's fears of everyone on the floor disliking her will not hold true. I am glad she has met A LOT of people as compared to her first few days on campus so I am sure that will help.

I was going to blog the other day on how glad I am that I homeschooled Anna as the discussion she overheard her roommate have with her parents was rather sad. I suppose it is the 'norm' for kids to not like or appreciate their parents but that is not the case with Anna or our family. I do not recall despising or feeling like my parents were losers when I was Anna's age. This is just sad. It was stated to Anna yesterday that she should not care what her parents think and that what they thought doesn't matter. Sigh. How can you not feel sad after hearing that?

Anyway, I am proud of my Anna and hope she does not receive too much flack for holding an opinion. The transfer process was actually not too hard to obtain as in the roommate agreement, Anna's roommate refused to abide by the 'no boys in the room' policy (I think that was an evening request???) so the RA in charge of this said they would have to make some room changes. It is what Anna wanted to begin with so I should be happy for her. I am. I just hate all the insinuation that Anna is being unreasonable. I'm glad she ended up having a pleasant evening afterward.

Sigh.

This is exhausting

I suppose in a few weeks it will be less exhausting but I am trying to get my school stuff organized while schooling. I sat down a few times (probably here with the baby) today and seem to have not stopped at all. I have hyper energy to keep working away at putting books where they need to go but will probably fall asleep with a book in my face. I am hopelessly disorganized right at the moment and find myself more than a little on the irritable side while trying to have the boys work on assignments, find and put away books, weed out books from last year and maybe fold a little laundry from camping in between. I suppose this is the same post as the last one. Not very exciting. I pretty much put off doing all of this in light of the rest of the summer, Anna getting ready to leave, partying with Anna and the kids, and hanging on to summer as long as I could. Sigh. Now I feel like going and reading a book that I wanted to get read over the summer but guilt may keep me from doing that. I am pretty far ahead on the required reading for my literature classes so that is good but there is also the preparation for my other classes. Ugh. To think I once considered doing this in a larger classroom setting. I have no clue how I would have kept up with that.

Ingrid, the tornado, is working as hard as she can to trash everything in her path. That is developmentally correct but perhaps a little maddening at the same time. At least she destroys stuff cheerfully. She does not seem to want to settle down for the night. Oh? Well maybe she has now changed her mind. Yippee! She is finally out for the night. Can you say energizer bunny? I knew you could.

Tomorrow I hope to continue to lay the ground work for the kiddos to figure out what in the world they are doing in their school work. Perhaps if it warms up enough I will take a few kids to the pool in the evening to soak in one last hurrah. I will miss the pool. Did we actually have summer this year????

I am hoping to not have nightmares tonight. Last night's were of the doozy variety with people yelling at me and it was WAY too real. It was only a dream. If looks could kill though I suppose it would have been reality considering who was in the dream. Will I ever let that go? Or.....just get over it????? Perhaps not.

I love talking to my Anna girl on the phone. She is doing fantastic. She is responsible, responsibly worried enough about whether she might not be being responsible, and basically settling in and figuring things out. You go girl daughter of mine!!!! She's the best. I am surprised people are not just beside themselves with grief that such a wonderful girl is not with them now but letting other people enjoy her wonderful presence in Bloomington. She is really quite amazing and comfortable odd and I love it.

Now back to my regularly scheduled program......zzzzzzzzz...............

Starting the new school year

Well, we are stumbling along but getting something done. I am very excited to implement the Literary Analysis program that I did a few years back with Anna. No offense to Anna but I would like to push these kids a little more to do a lot more with it. I see the reason behind the authors madness to write, write, write, in different forms and emphasis and perhaps I will even do it with them to get my brain working a little better as well. The program reminds me of the "This is Your Brain on Music" book in that he has them writing regularly and I have impressed on the kids that the more they write the easier it will be. I am excited for them.

There is the usual mayhem of the little people vying for my attention which can be a little heart breaking at times as there is only one of me. I am trying to get the kids so they can work a little more independently and not need so much explanation from me. Perhaps I will have more time for the little people then. Sigh. The older kids really should not need me to hold their hands too awfully much now so here's hoping this will work.

I am also slowly catching up on stinky laundry, camping mess and not be tempted to work only on that in light of school days tripping by. Yes, it is only day two but it seems like I can not waste a day. If my beginning is sloppy so goes the rest of the year. I am happy to be co-oping with another family again but do not want my days at home to just be recovery days from coop days.

I have also noticed that my blood pressure went WAY down over vacation. Interesting. I suppose if my life only comprised of taking little boys to the bathroom on their little tractors, donning their helmets for every trip down the road to the potty, then my blood pressure would stay down. I spent a couple hours one evening just cleaning up owies and bandaging them. (that was sort of yucky really). "Now kids, you really must keep these owies clean or they will get infected. Mommy does not always have time to chase after your wounds......" So goes that evening. Now I am home, chasing after appointments and bills and trying not to spend too much money on food and running around. "Where are Ingrid's winter clothes?" I ask frustrated by another thing to find. She grew and it feels like fall outside and, and, and.......calm down Karin dear.

Well, off to help Matthew in another gourmet meal from the galloping gourmet Matthew. Thank the Lord for help in the kitchen.

It took all summer

I dreaded yesterday all summer but it has come and gone and I survived. I am pleased with my 'plan' of having stayed there camping all week as we were able to go visit one afternoon and then to go to church with her on Sunday was awesome. It gave me a chance to see her settling in, dealing with the weird things that have happened and handling them and also to see her happy and excited about the new stuff in her life. She is genuinely happy and I am happy for her. I think it would have been a lot harder for me to just drop her off on Wednesday then go home. Charley got a chance to stomp around campus as well and he is very impressed with what he sees there. He takes note that the many opportunities at IU were just not available when we were at Valpo. I am not sure they are available now at Valpo.

I did my crying over the summer and I am sure I will have my moments especially at church but I think I am prepared to move on and we are having much fun chatting on the phone about all her adventures there. I could not be happier for her if I tried. I don't think I will talk less with her but actually more in many ways. It is hilarious to hear her observations and sort of live through her. I suppose many would say we are disgustingly close but I certainly would never deprive her the opportunities she is having there to just keep her close at home. If I disappear some weekend you will know where I am.

Now if only I had my school stuff more organized for the kids at home!!!! I am sort of exhausted from last week and know there are still tons of things to do around the house. Better get cracking.......

Last day

Today is the last full day at home with the Anna until Thanksgiving most likely. We had the most interesting time at Target looking for some storage containers to put her 'dresser' like stuff in. I am SO glad Charley is taking her and her stuff on Wednesday as he is all business and will be able to help with the roommate sharing aspect of her room. I did tell her that as far as her room went to just leave it a mess and I would take care of it when I found the time (hopefully before Thanksgiving). I must admit my chest sort of ached a few times today. It still does. I MUST keep the tear duct pipe in check. I will certainly miss her Anna self popping in and out of the house and probably most of all her Anna self not being at church will be most difficult. She has had the wonderful opportunity to play A LOT this past year. I guess I just expect her to be there playing. Sorry Sandy. I especially enjoyed forgetting she was playing and thinking to myself, "wow that was great" and then realizing it was Anna and not Sandy. It is her presence I suppose that will be missed the most. I know there are others who have made more long term goodbyes and they are in my prayers A LOT but I will still miss my daughter dear.

Need to go get ready for church.

Starting to feel nauseated and keeping busy

I took Anna out on another 'figure out what else we need to pick up' for school trip. We said we were getting her ready for first grade since last year we talked about her first day of kindergarten. She had a good year btw and even learned how to count and say her abc's in German well enough to test out of three semesters at IU! Not too shabby. Anyway, while we were out thinking hard about what else we were forgetting (already thought of something), we talked about her schedule and the fact that she most likely will not be back in South Bend till Thanksgiving. Sigh. I am sure I shouldn't even be writing about this and I have been doing my best to shove these thoughts to the back of my mind. I hope to go down in October, perhaps my birthday weekend (Matthew's bday too) to see her and spend a little time together as her schedule allows. She is organizing her clothes so I can easily put her winter clothes in the car to take down to her then.

She is my daughter and really my best friend outside of the hubby. We think out loud together and reprimand each other together, and are silly together, serious, working etc. together. She has been a very good daughter to me and I will miss her. I know she has a lot of growing up to do too but is confidently forging ahead. I am certainly THANKFUL for the Internet and cell phones in this case and know that we will still talk.

In the meantime, we will continue to have a nice time together and I am keeping busy with preparing for our vacation and school and finishing up what she needs for the fall. I will try not to puke as this comes to mind.

There have been some looks of pity come Anna's direction but really I do not pity her. She is excited and ready to learn and work towards her goals. I don't think that at all means that she will not miss her family. I don't think she will miss any of us as much as she will miss her baby sister and little Fefan. I have observed her squeezing the stuffing out of them lately and holding them tight and long. Isn't it great that any young person her age would so value the tiniest brother and sister in her life. They will grow and change the most while she is away.

I need to proceed with the day. Off to keep busy!

Sense and Sensibility

I took time out this afternoon while folding laundry to watch Sense and Sensibility again with my kids. I love that movie and I love that story. I've never read the book and perhaps I can squeeze that in somewhere, but I find it astoundingly refreshing that the characters actually seemed concerned about their reputations. If ONLY people gave a hoot about preserving their innocence or even in their wonderful unspoken fashion protected each other's reputations and their basic need to stay pure till they were able and ready to be married. I know that those stories are fiction but still, I do think people actually thought about such things once upon a time. They actually stopped to consider appearances of too intimate of conversation between two people of the opposite sex and perhaps gossiped about who liked who or who was spending time with who. Now it just seems excepted that young people date around, have intimate times via time together or on the Internet with the whole chat thing. I can see some benefits to chatting in that people can live far apart but still, it seems a little odd to me at times. I could have titled this post The Internet as well or perhaps I might rant on about that in another post. It just makes me sad at times that the Internet can pull us away from our families who live in the same house with us and promote relationships with others that can be more than they should between very young people. I have not pushed the Internet with my boys at all thus far, although I think it would be nice for them to some degree as everyone else seems to be so dependant on it. My boys don't have tons of friends and maybe that is why but really, when I was their age (and yes I was a girl) I went to my friends homes or called them on the phone to talk and I could tell all their intonations and expressions for what they were. The Internet has caused problems even for my family in misunderstanding both from within and without.

I can remember a time when perhaps I had four kids, that the email groups became way too much of an obsession for me and an escape. I neglected my kids and my family and shouldn't have done that. It is still somewhat of a draw and I am processing that but am also processing how to direct my kids with all of this. I suppose my boys are not very interesting to other boys their age as they do not watch sitcoms, play video games, use the Internet, or chat with everyone at church online. I wish they had some more intimate friends (boys) to share guy time with but for now Boy Scouts for Matthew and adults for Erik is the way it goes. I was VERY happy for them at the Higher Things conference that they had some pal around time with friends. They have some occasional get togethers with other boys but that is not that often. I hope we can work on that some more. Oh.....this makes me think that some people may suggest they line up more of a social life but frankly I have told them they are free to invite people over and we try but life is busy and they really are not suffering poor mes over anything. It is their mother who worries about it more than they do.

I should have made this two separate posts but I guess I still may ramble on about this later. Keep in mind this post is about Horner culture and life, the later part. Everyone makes different choices and I suppose I will ramble on about some life wisdom I have imparted to them in another post. I have been thinking a lot about all those conversations as Anna is getting ready to leave and I am very pleased with her confidence and definite opinions regarding herself and relationships with other young people around her. We all have room to grow and she certainly does too but overall she is very balanced. She is much more balanced than I was at that age. I thought I was just all so wise and wonderful and certainly wiser than my parents and other adults. Oh brother. I think that did travel through a lot of my college days. I see this in the young people around me and it makes me feel older anyway to hear myself thinking the same things that were prattled on at me by older people then. College kids have very little life experience in the way of supporting themselves, taking care of others, having kids and responsibilty, thinking about other people besides themselves and......that is normal and natural. Of course they haven't . I do think Anna has learned A LOT in her assistance around the house and she really is not very critical of me at all or acting superior. I am proud of her and I love her a lot. Better stop typing now.

Self Discipline

Ugh. I HATE self discipline. I am not sure I know anyone who LOVES it. This getting older thing is a pain. I know that if I exercise my blood pressure stays in check. If I don't, it doesn't. I did great on exercise from March till July and then for all the busyness got out of the habit. I look at the schedule and wonder if I will be able to fit it in if I am feeling worn down by the schedule and perhaps snow and ice outside? I am not a fan of indoor exercise so can I manage to actually get up early and do that before the kids get up? Really? Even earlier if I want that cup of decaf and a few moments of quiet time before the milk spilling and cereal dumping. Please bug me people to keep up on this.

I undid my decaffeinating of myself. I buckled and started making Charley regular coffee and couldn't wait till mine was made. NO SELF DISCIPLINE. Weak I am. I am pretty sure coffee and chocolate (love it) are also at the root of my new problems. They of course contribute to my shaky hands which is also a genetic problem. I am very thankful I did NOT inherit the arthritis problem which my poor brother is now suffering with. Each generation has picked a victim for that issue. My brother has been battling the arthritis since at least late thirties so this is not a new thing for him but just one that seems to effect new areas.

It seems basically true that everyone has some self discipline issues whether it is health issues, money management, house cleaning habits, preparing for things like classes or papers or presentations. I don't think I am alone on this one. I don't think I know anyone who has it all together and if they appear to have it all together now then......they will turn 40. :o) 40 somethings must be the decade that we more fully appreciate the finite creature understanding of our lives and I have no doubt that will become even clearer in the 50s. The main issue is not that we don't know what we need to do to overcome our issues of self-discipline since I am sure that is glaringly obvious in each case - spend less, eat less, clean with routines routinely, prepare early for what is coming up, and DON'T DRINK REGULAR COFFEE!!!!! PASS BY THE CHOCOLATE IN THE CHECK OUT AISLE!!!!! Pathetic. Yes Pastors......my sinful nature is alive and well.

I just get tired of weak me not having the self discipline to simply make these issues go away. I am a sad example for my kiddos in many respects and can hardly criticize them for the issues they suffer through. We can encourage one another through and try not to let it pull us under the table. I TELL my kids to nag me about not drinking coffee and drinking enough water etc. I suppose they can feel some satisfaction in that their poor mother needs all the help she can get. Besides these little health bumps I can hardly complain but feel pretty sheepish for my inability to pass up chocolate and my quick dash to the coffee maker upon falling asleep in mid-afternoon. Sigh.

We are off on a family bike ride this evening so I suppose my blood pressure will be in check for another day. Feel free, like I said to nag or encourage me in this regard.

Remembering Redeemer

I've been in contact the last few weeks between Anna's graduation and a few other instances, with people from our old church. The hardest thing for me to do when we left was to leave the people we loved. My kids had so many grandparents and I had so many people who just watched out for me that was most certainly hard to say goodbye and I am sure it was confusing to them. I was expecting my seventh child at the time. Well one of the grandmas called again recently. She has actually called a few times this summer. The first time she called to share with me that her daughter's youngest child got married. This might seem a little out of the blue as lots of people's grandchildren get married but Carly was special to the Horners and especially special to Charley as when she was a toddler Charley just stared at her sweeetness and thus......we had Anna. Carly's grandma knew that as of course Charley had to tell her over and over how cute Carly was and how badly he wanted a little girl of his own. Well, now Carly is married and her grandma was sweet to remember that.

Anna plays the organ the last Sunday before she goes at Redeemer and at first she seemed regretful as she loves Emmaus (there is a Divine Service on Monday though :o)) but then she remembered all her 'grandparents' at Redeemer who still love her and are proud of her and stop us on the street to tell us how much we mean to them. Sigh. This part is still hard. It is not wrong that we switched but we lost contact with a lot of Grandparents as a result. There were many members who did offer to lend a hand to make sure I got a break or whatever. Needing a break is not quite as critical as it was as my oldest kids are pretty reliable. I still am not able to just go to events such as last weeks conference very easily as I hate burdening my older kids with the little kids so that I can 'go have fun or soak up a seminar.' This will not change for quite a while I have no doubt. My leaving the home with older kids and the baby is also not always the best as my dear husband appreciates me being home for a reason.......he does get a little overwhelmed and my vocation is not his vocation so it is still not 'simple' to just leave. This can be sort of frustrating. I think I leave some sort of impression on people that I can just handle life all the time but I frankly am not that good at it all the time. I want my older kids to gain the benefit of the social times with other like minded people but am torn by the burden at home and the inevitable neglect of my little people. Too bad there isn't a train like Hogwarts has to transport them where they need to go. I am not sure if there is a Marshall retreat this year so haven't even started agaonizing over that but maybe I can figure out something. Boy.....that got a little off topic. The funny thing and good thing about Emmaus is that we are not the freaks with tons of kids as there are many large families. We don't stand out as people who might need help. There is no easy solution to that except to perhaps ask around and see if there are other families who might need help when it comes to these special events. I still will struggle with not always going with but I am also struggling with my own kids puppy eyes when they wish they could go too.

Ingrid gets a dress

Ingrid now belongs to the privaleged group who possess a dress made by Anna. It is adorable. I will have to wait till she has eaten her breakfast to put it on her. Of course I will also have to put a picture up. She is not old enough to appreciate this incredible event but we will have to preserve the memory for her so some day she will look back and know her oldest sister remembered her little self.

Now the sewer is stubbornly not getting up even though her two year old brother is in her room 'shooting' her and yelling boom, boom, boom......such a boy. I bet he won't get a dress. It is Tuesday morning and time to get ready for piano lessons X4. I hope to get a quick pool trip in this afternoon plus more cleaning of my disastor room and mount laundry.

Speaking of cleaning my room. I mentioned to mother yesterday that I was cleaning my room and she said it sounded like I was a kid. "What did you do today Karin" asked the mom. "I cleaned my room Mom." Ah, just like old times right? My room is better known as 'where to dump stuff when you don't know what to do with it' room.

Piano is going well. Matthew has proudly memorized his piano piece and I can tell is truly paying attention to what is needed. Yay! Cecilia has quite the knack for paying attention to what is asked as well. Anna is winding down her piano lesson career before leaving in two weeks. She will spend her last morning in South Bend at piano lessons. Martin is plugging away at his lessons as well. In my data base I must remember to push the boy to actually learn his notes better than he knows them now. It has been nice actually to hear people playing scales. Who knew that would be something to be enjoyed. I remember playing horn scales ad nauseam (spelling?). I am not sure my parents enjoyed that. Which reminds me. I need to find space in my impossible fall schedule to practice the horn so I can play in church again.

Off to the races!