Thursday, May 07, 2009

Figured it out

Every couple of years or so I reach my limit or burn out so to speak. I SO know that feeling but it takes me quite a while to figure it out. Unfortunately I am at that point again. I know the solution but that is not going to work right now so will describe how wonderful the solution was a few years ago. It goes like this.

We planned a trip to go camping and life was much like it is now....nonstop busy, little time to breathe, working too hard and not being able to just be quiet and enjoy my kids. I thought I was going to crack and maybe my kids thought I was going to too. So we were getting ready for the camping trip and it occurred to me....."Charley, I am staying home. Take the kids and I will see you when you get back". And he was wonderful. It was silent. Just birds chirping, crickets doing that too, silence. I cried and reveled in just some time to rest and not have to answer to anyone or have to do anything for anyone. Totally selfish. After a day or so I got up the energy to attack the house and just enjoy it staying clean for more than an hour. I went out to eat with a few friends and didn't have to wash the dishes. I did not feel mean and hateful, just relief. This job, this vocation is hard. It is exhausting. I have felt like it is not OK to feel this way and that I must be just a negative person but at the moment I am hitting a wall. I am sure things will improve. I have some plans tomorrow that should bring a little relief but as far as long time silence and recuperation that does not seem like it is in my future. This does not mean I am cracked, but that life has just been WAY too demanding as of late and I just needed to admit to myself and my family that I need some alone time.

I must add that I am very comforted by other mothers who admit that their job is hard and that they might need a drink of wine at night and that perhaps the kids made them nutty today. When moms look at me cross eyed if I make a remark about being worn out from dragging kids, then I feel discouraged and yucky. Thank you LaRena and Anita especially for making me laugh. I really do not think my personality lends itself to long endurance and staying sugary sweet which is nothing I am proud of but at least I don't feel totally crazed when I hear that other moms struggle with this too.

Of course I am comforted by the Gospel. There is nothing that makes me more worn out then being deprived from hearing it. Thank you dear pastors for faithfully giving the Gospel to me. It does really help. I can feel selfish at church too though as whining two year olds might push the limit but fortunately that does not happen too often.

So there you go. I am hiding from the kiddos right now. They actually have been feeling much the same way as I do and I did recommend that they try to get away from each other and just have quiet.

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